Monday 6 August 2007

new guest spot no. 1: "THERE'S NO WAY I'M A PRICK" by Uncle Steve

looking at myself in the mirror, i'm absolutely certain there's no way
i am a prick.. i've got that look in my eyes that says "think it, but
don't try it".. that shit is the bomb, you're all wank.

"come on cliff, yer lil prick".. he hurried alongside me.. he's all
over me at the mo, i'm his hero.. a colossus staring down at his
little mug.. we're off to the toy fair - god knows what to expect but
rest assured young cliff is going to love it! but don't try anything,
i said to him silently.. he tried it on straight away, i felt it..
"dad, a train is coming, is that exciting?" i swear, i'll fuck him up
if he steps to me..

"two pounds fifty thanks".. i paid in full and collected my ticket and
guide.. cliff was hopping mad at this point.. he'd seen piles of toys
ahead and was spinning.. "come on then cliff, yer lil prick"..

thirty minutes later, we still hadn't left the first table.. cliff was
all over the toy cars, pulling them out their boxes, laying them out,
talking gibberish non-stop.. "this table has fire engines on!" i
tempted.. nothing was working, we could be there all day.. the first
table.. i hadn't even looked around for myself.. people came and went, cliff was getting in the way.. squeezing in and around peoples legs to get to the exciting toys.. we were still there, the table's owner was thinking "christ’s sake, fuck that kid off will yer", i felt it.. "come on now son! let's check out the other tables.." "no, no, no, no, no, no!!" he tantrumed..

it was too late, i'd done it again - damn it.. “i'm really fucked this time.”

15 years later, after i got out, i saw cliff in the pub, playing
pool.. he greeted me and asked a few tough questions.. "have you seen The Fast and the Furious?" i could see he was getting wound up.. he was gonna try it with the pool cue he was holding, i felt it.. my head started spinning.. looking down, i'd finished my whiskey - i'd drunk a whole bottle.. that happens to me, don't know why but sometimes i get thinking and start necking it like water.. "come on then dad, i'll give you a lift home.. nah, don't worry, we're going that way anyway - to the odeon"..

i took all four of em out, there's no fuckin way i was going out like
that.. they obviously didn't fuckin realise i was tasty with a pool cue
until i wrapped it round their fuckin heads.. I gave cliff extra nourishment.. fuckin! think it! but don't! fuckin! TRY IT!

fin.

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