ENTER THE NEXT LEVEL

Watch a porno.
Smoke some skunk.
Watch a cannibal film.
Watch a porno.
Watch some war footage.
Smoke some skunk.
Do some press-ups.
Watch a cannibal film - keep watching the bits with animal cruelty and disembowelling.
Smoke some skunk.
Porno.
Cannibal film.
Porno.
Beheading footage.
More skunk.
Down some cans.
Porno.
Cannibal film.
Do some more press-ups.
Spin round in one direction as fast as you can.
Watch some more war footage.
Watch a porno.
More skunk, and maybe some aerosols.
Cannibal film - just watch the horrible bits again and again.
Spin round really fast again, for 5 minutes non-stop.
Down some more bad cans.
Smoke some more skunk.
Try and set up three screens, so you can have porno, cannibal film and war footage going off at the same time.
Keep watching for two more hours, drinking cans, smoking skunk blunts and every 10 minutes pressing pause and spinning round very fast for 45 seconds.
Now get down and do 40 press-ups.

Now quickly get your suit on and leave the house and go and get the best job you can!

JUST BECAUSE YOU DO MUSIC, IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE SPECIAL

...just because you're an "artist", it does not make you precious

I am taking particular issue with 'jazzual', jazz-funk types here, at this point in time. Jello Biafra had it right in "Holiday In Cambodia" - 'play ethnicky jazz to parade your snazz/on your five-grand stereo/bragging that you know how the niggers feel the cold/and the slums' got so much soul". When booked to play records at a city centre bar on a Saturday night, try some party tunes, not arduous fusion plod and funk covers of Pink Floyd songs that go on for 8 minutes. And try smiling. And try not to have such disdain for those less "homegrown" than you. The city in which I live is full of humourless cool-chasing wannabes. Why do people feel such a need to belong to some kind of exclusive group, even when they are well into their genuine 'adult' years? I don't care how 'cool' you are, you won't feel so cool when you're being chased down a Ugandan back alley by bloodthirsty machete-wielding bandits. Let's see how much of an air of practised, glowering hipster disdain you can give off when the runny excrement of pure terror is trickling down your leg, and the glistening blade of truth is pressing hungrily at your thorax...

HERE, TAKE THIS CARRIER BAG

YOU PRICK. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT. SHUT YOUR MOUTH. I'M SO UPSET. GET OFF ME. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. DO A SHIT IN THIS PLASTIC BAG. THE SKY IS FULL OF GULLS...WATCH THEM FLY! I HOPE YOU DIE OF A BAD DISEASE. YOU MONG. I SAW A LOVELY FILM. I LIKE THESE SHOES. BUY ME A CAKE. YOUR LUNGS ARE MAKING AN ANNOYING NOISE. EVERYTHING IS SO LOVELY, YOU'RE ALL REALLY NICE. THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL SO COOL! I'LL SHIT INTO THE BAG. MAKE ME CRY NOW. NOBODY LIKES ME, I'M SO WORRIED. NOW I'M EXCITED AGAIN! THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT. I CUT MY NECK OPEN WITH A GARDEN TOOL. THIS IS IMMATURE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. I'M CONFUSED. I'M GOING TO A YOUTH CLUB. MAKE MY NECK FEEL RELAXED. I'M WEARING A HEADBAND FOR YOU. PISS EVERYWHERE. I PUT DRUGS IN A PIE TO KILL YOU. NO-ONE CARES ABOUT THE LITTLE DYING BOY IN THE STREET. YOU CAN'T STEP TO THE TECHNIQUE. THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. LEAVE MY DAD OUT OF THIS. I'M IN THE GLEN RELAXING IN A LITTLE POOL. THERE'S A BURNING SENSATION IN YOUR LEGS. FUCK OFF YOU! THAT'S VALID. I'VE GOT A SOLAR POWERED CALCULATOR. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. I'M SAYING A LOT OF FACTS. I SMASHED YOU IN THE FACE WITH A PAN LIKE IN TOM AND JERRY AND YOUR FACE WENT ALL FLAT! I'M WRESTLING WITH INFINITY. THERE'S BLOOD COMING OUT FROM UNDER THE DOOR, AND CEASELESS SCREAMING. STREET-CUNT. WAR MILK IN AN OLD CHIPPED CUP. CUN-MIND. BLEEDING UP MY GUTS. MILK EVERY LAST BIT OF YOUR POINTLESS BLOODY LIFE. BUY ME A CAKE FROM THE SHOP. I HAD A ROW WITH A REALLY CLOSE FRIEND. THE CROWS MADE ME CRY WHEN THEY FLEW NEAR MY FACE AND TRIED TO PECK. MY FAVOURITE BIT WAS NEAR THE END WHEN HE DID THAT FUNNY DANCE, DID YOU SEE IT? I SMASHED UP HIS CHEEKBONE WITH A HEAVY BIKE CHAIN.

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON THAT I CANNOT EVEN KEEP UP WITH IT. YOUR STUPID PUNY MIND WILL NEVER CATCH UP

DO A SHIT INTO A BAG.